real talk #1
i wanted to share some “real-time” moments/thoughts that i have been experiencing lately that i thought might be helpful (or at least offer some solidarity) to those who may be going through similar situations. at times (usually) they are raw and vulnerable glimpses into my life but isn’t that what keeps us real? i am not perfect. i am not refined. i am merely a sinner who has been redeemed, forgiven, graced and shown mercy through the blood of christ.
so, my friends, a “real-time” moment in all its glory:
for the first time in my life, i find myself in a situation where i have been forced to deal with the “who am i” question. don’t get me wrong, i’ve dealt with many identity issues but this is different….kind of. my identity issues have now switched from the what am i to the who am i. my struggles in the past have dealt with everything from race, class, culture, etc.. but i’ve always had a strong identity in what i did as a musician, leader, minister. those things offered me a kind of security, an affirmation of sorts. it was easier for me to place my identity in the things that i did rather than exposing who i was.
since our move out to seattle a few months ago, i have been given an incredible opportunity to just be…. nothing really pressing for my time or energy except for my family and no real “job” to speak of. i thought this anonymity would be an amazing time to be free and do the things that i’ve been wanting to do for so long. but now that i am in it, i don’t really know what to do with myself. i am not working a job that makes a claim on my skills, my gifts, my abilities, you know….the things i’m good at! rather, it is the everyday mundane tasks that mark and consume my life these days. for so long, i have juggled full-time ministry, 3 babies, full-time seminary blah blah blah… and now i juggle myself -what i should eat, this shirt or that shirt, should i blog or write the book, what color i should paint the walls…seriously.
it is truly a season of patience, of perseverance, of hope, and of incredible faith. i am grateful that god’s presence is in the mundane. in the margins. in the space between the doing. god speaks if we would only be still. this is my season of stillness (and it seems like a long one). honestly, my margins right now are so big that it takes up the whole page! i am learning to be patient and to enjoy being with myself. a friend of mine recently told me that i need to see this time as a gift and not abandonment. god has not forgotten about me, this i know.
my prayer would be that whether your margins are wide or just specks, know that god is with you and in those seemingly insignificant moments. your worth is not in what you do but rather in who you are as a child of the living god.
be full of faith and hope my beautiful friends! xx