over the past few months, i have been particularly struck by the ways i’ve been subtly and not so subtly formed in the church…. no, i’m not talking about spiritually but a formation of how i’ve performed and continue to perform into a kind of gendered role of both assertion and passivity.

all growing up and even well into my ministry career, the culture within many of the churches i’ve been a part of have predominantly been under some sort of strong alpha male presence and leadership. and when i say “alpha,” i mean it in such a way that is not meant to be judgmental but rather, an indication of a larger cultural reality -a reality that suggests or even demands a particular way of being for what it means to be masculine, which inevitably requires a counter balance of femininity…in other words, dominant and submissive ways of relating. and we all know that it is usually the “masculine” or “dominant” trait that pushes ahead when it comes to our understandings of success and influence. we see this operating not only in the business world and in politics, but also in the church.

for me, entering into vocational ministry at the age of 21, as a female/asian worship leader in the mid to late 90′s, i must admit, it was a battle of sorts -not so much to have the opportunity to do what i do but to be heard. all kinds of folks will hire and use your gifts for their benefit but what does it mean to be heard? to be respected? this is the gap that i have sensed for the past 13 years until perhaps just recently.

i have the wonderful privilege of serving as one of the pastors on staff here at quest church in seattle. from what i’ve gathered, a lot of people here in seattle don’t seem to want to abide by the typically set norm for the most part compared to other places i’ve lived – bikes ride the street like it’s theirs, indie artists and local bands are celebrated more so than what tends to be “popular” in the larger culture, local food and coffee shops are heralded over and against your usual chain restaurants and coffee joints, and so on. i know, i know, these are gross generalizations but coming from living 10 years in the south, these differences are quite stark to me. which makes me wonder if this way of imagining and negotiating the culture we’re so influenced by rubs off on the way we imagine ourselves and our participation within it?

all this to say, since i’ve moved to seattle just over a year ago, anytime i’ve had to teach, speak, preach in a ministry setting, i’ve begun to notice that a certain kind of persona arises out of me. i don’t really want to say that i feel “masculine” per se, but my demeanor definitely rings with a kind of assertive/authoritative confidence that suggests you better not mess with me! well, maybe it is an alpha rising out of me! i know, crazy right? there’s actually a running joke with some of my friends here that tell me i have a definite and particular booming “prayer voice” …..prayer voice?? i didn’t even realize there was such a thing! i think and believe that a lot of it has to do with the ways i’ve been formed. formation in this sense, arising out of a lack -lack of women leaders in the church as role models, lack of trust for women in ministry, lack of faith that women actually have something to contribute in addition to meeting the gender balance requirement on any given staff, lack of respect that because we’re women, we’re only concerned with and gifted for children’s ministry and fluffy women’s ministry tea gatherings. in this way, in order to counter such ill-formed images and perceptions of women in ministry, i’ve had to assert myself much more to have a place at the proverbial table so to speak -to be heard, to be respected for more than my looks and my “sensitive/motherly” gifts.

it’s formation that has arisen out of a need to be like one of the boys.

strangely, a lot of the men around me here, in my particular circles of relationships and ministry, are by no means the kind of image of the machismo-grunting-flexing-jocky males that i’m used to in ministry. it’s weird….but refreshing in such a good way! i’m just finding myself feeling, at times, out of place. i feel like i’m too assertive and perhaps a bit overwhelming to some. i find myself constantly conscious and aware of how i speak in certain contexts but when i pray and preach, i just can’t seem to pull it back! formation takes time. it’s taken me 14 years of being this way and, dare i say, performing in a particular way that has translated into who i am now in ministry.

it’s been a learning process, more about myself than anything else, i guess.

my prayer for ministry now is not so much how well or competently i perform tasks given me but rather, a lifelong promise to myself and the many young women whom i will encounter for years to come. a promise of hope that prayerfully, through the witness of my life, many young women will see and know that they too have something significant to offer this world.

so often, pastors and worship leaders find it very difficult to capture and speak to the many challenges that arise within our respective congregations, especially when it comes to meeting musical and/or worship styles across multi-ethnic lines. whether you’re in a church that hopes and longs to be more diverse in this area or already in the thick of it trying to wade through the many voices, concerns and requests, we must all be mindful of our own need for transformation.

i recently wrote a very brief article for unity in christ magazine on the topic, “3 issues worship leaders face in multi-ethnic congregations.”  it’s part of a 5 voice forum on this particular topic and for me, I have found that the three foremost issues many worship leaders/pastors are confronted with are the notions of preference, purity and participation.

you can read the full article here.

what are 3 issues you think are challenging for worship leaders as they/you prayerfully and faithfully lead their/your congregations within a multi-ethnic context?

i thought i would share a part of this email with you and hope, if nothing else, that it would provide a good platform from which we can engage one another in conversation.

- in my experiences within many african american churches, korean immigrant churches, of friends who came back from haiti after the earthquake and found locals in desperate praise… there is a sense of worship that is very much tied to their lives and the difficulties therein. however, their expressions of worship are inspite of the difficulties they face. they praise because they HAVE TO! what do i mean by this? so many times, in the luxury and abundance of all that is america, we seem to allow our circumstances/feelings to dictate our actions -if we’re down/sad/tired, our offerings of worship often reflect it. in other words, our actions become dutiful and rote and determinative of our surroundings. corporately, we could perhaps describe our lack of “wow moments” on a given sunday by blaming the poor choice of songs, the guitar player missing a chordal change, sermon being too long, no one greeted me, the baby crying behind me, etc… but do we reflect on our own hearts as well? i know i am still working on this one!!! lord, help me!

- what does it mean to worship within the realization that you need god? worship out of a sense of desperation? which then begs the often controversial question of: is suffering or hardship necessary to understand and live into this sense of desperation?

- what are some moments in our lives where we can truly say that god was definitely working on our behalf? when do we sense the spirit’s presence with us most profoundly?

- and finally, are we first inclined to pray/sing/worship through difficult seasons in our lives? or is it something that we have to be deliberate/intentional about? if so, why?

in many ways, i believe it could be a greater struggle for us (those of us who are relatively comfortable in life) to understand and live into this idea of desperate worship. however, i believe that when we allow ourselves to admit we are a broken people and recognize our need for god, that the spirit makes alive that which was dead, enables dancing where there is mourning and joy where there is sorrow! ….this is what i long for.

when i ponder the “are you an optimist or pessimist” analogy of seeing the glass half full/half empty, i wonder how much of our outlook depends on whether we ourselves feel full or empty or somewhere in between. and what does all of this indicate?

throughout my adult life, whether it is in my tendency to show love through acts of service, my dysfunctional inability to say “no,” and the realities of raising three children and balancing life, work and self on a daily basis, i have found myself always asking the question: am i drained and running on empty or am i being mindful of filling the tank, so to speak? this is an important question. for those whose occupation it is to be in service to another day in and day out, whether it is childcare/healthcare/customer service/ministry and so on, it is particularly important that we take the time to step back and ask ourselves: from what well do we draw from? is who/what we are giving to others the last drop in our cup that we actually had to shake out or is it the goods from the overflow? or is it somewhere in between?

of course, if our lives are running on empty, how could we possibly have an outlook of optimism, of abundance, of possibility? in the same way, if we are filled to overflowing, it is difficult to see anything but possibilities, leaving no room for reality and reception. the truth is, most of our lives witness seasons of both. there are times when we find ourselves giving until we can give no more leaving only fumes behind and then there are times when we find ourselves so energized, we believe we can change the world….all by ourselves….in one day! however, as i get older, i wonder if the goal isn’t really about being full all of the time and feeling bad if we’re not but rather, being just empty enough to know that we need god.

today, i find myself needing a little charge, a little juice, a little rest. and in the midst, i had no other remedy for it than being on my knees in prayer as i recognized my own limitations. i believe that being on our knees can be a profound discipline. it is neither a position of strength (on our feet) or vulnerability (on our backs) but of humility. it is an in between if you will -a place from which we can both give and receive.

friends, i want to encourage you that no matter what level in the cup you find yourselves in, it is not a marker of greatness or weakness but rather, a season. it is a season that either reminds us of our need for god and god’s desire for us or it is a season that reminds us of our need to show god’s goodness to another.

i am no fool to think that my experiences alone or my interest/study/research on this topic makes me an authority by any means. however, i am thrilled to have the opportunity to share my thoughts on it and will post it here once the publication is out at the end of july.

in the meantime, whether you’re a pastor, worship leader, former worship leader, have an innate sense of what your worship leader is dealing with, whatever…i’d LOVE to hear your thoughts/experiences/insights on what YOUR top 3 issues for worship leaders of multi-ethnic worship are.

as i was standing on the side next to the water as ezra was being baptized, i was reminded of genesis 22 when abraham was tested and told to sacrifice his only son, the son that god had gifted him after many years of barrenness. this moment was quite profound for me. for someone who wasn’t raised in a close family, with my mother passing away at a young age and no real significant ties to my extended family, my husband and my three boys are an irrefutable sign of god’s love for me, god’s presence with me and god’s faithfulness toward me.

though i often joke around with my boys about living with me forever…and i mean forever…like even after they get married and have lots of babies, there are for sure nuggets of truth and hope inside of such statements…even if it means that i have to buy out a whole cul-de-sac for all of us and we rent a huge bus once a year for our trips to disney world together! how amazing would that be?!!! perhaps it is too much of a fantasy/ideal to desire this level of jolly-ness for my future but this is how much i love and long for their presence in my life.

so all that to say, the thought of abraham having to sacrifice that which he had longed after for so many years, hit home for me on sunday…. perhaps on a slightly different scale but nevertheless, it was a call to let go of what i believed to be mine. as ezra chose to be a follower of christ, his life in that moment was transformed by the holy spirit in the baptismal waters and reborn into a life with god. it is in our courage to release and to believe, that we know and witness god’s faithfulness. this, i am continually reminded of and trying to live more fully into.

i am so proud of him and am still reveling in the beauty of god’s grace and the community in which we find ourselves welcomed into. praise be to god!

…so does that mean i can’t still hope to live on the same cul-de-sac?!!!

what a beautiful and powerful song by darlene zschech of hillsong. as you hear it, know that god’s love for you is unconditional and steadfast, costly and extravagant….there is no greater love than this.

be blessed, my friends.

“love the lord your god with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.”

what does this REALLY mean? and how often can we actually say that we do this? we express so freely that we love god and we have faith and believe in this god, yet i wonder how much we are in love with the one who first loved us? i don’t know about you but this verse reminds me of the days when brian and i were first dating (long distance) and becoming serious in our relationship with each other. i was in college and loved what i was studying yet, the first person that i thought of when i awoke every morning and the last person i wanted to talk to before i fell asleep was this man that i loved. when in class, i would scribble letters to drop in the mail the next day, i would think about the next time i would be able to call him on the phone…in short, my world revolved around this person. in other words, the things that i desired, the ways i ordered my days, the things that i thought about, and the efforts i made to make all of those things happen was because of a strong desire for and a passion that consumed who i was at the time. it was undeniably love.

similarly, when we ponder this verse in mark, does it suggest a kind of total and all consuming adoration of and passion for god like we would imagine human love? i wonder if my own life – in my actions, deeds, thoughts and the things/people that i choose to desire, witnesses to a love for god in the same way? does my life exude an undeniable passion for god which consumes my every being? and the biggie: does my knowledge of god exceed my passion for god?

all questions to ponder as we abide inside of this season of lent. we remember just how much god loved us and continues to love us in god’s offering of christ on our behalf. may we be people who worship god with abandon, love extravagantly, serve selflessly, give generously and forgive charitably.

this is my prayer.