real talk#4 -being a woman in ministry

over the past few months, i have been particularly struck by the ways i’ve been subtly and not so subtly formed in the church…. no, i’m not talking about spiritually but a formation of how i’ve performed and continue to perform into a kind of gendered role of both assertion and passivity.

all growing up and even well into my ministry career, the culture within many of the churches i’ve been a part of have predominantly been under some sort of strong alpha male presence and leadership. and when i say “alpha,” i mean it in such a way that is not meant to be judgmental but rather, an indication of a larger cultural reality -a reality that suggests or even demands a particular way of being for what it means to be masculine, which inevitably requires a counter balance of femininity…in other words, dominant and submissive ways of relating. and we all know that it is usually the “masculine” or “dominant” trait that pushes ahead when it comes to our understandings of success and influence. we see this operating not only in the business world and in politics, but also in the church.

for me, entering into vocational ministry at the age of 21, as a female/asian worship leader in the mid to late 90′s, i must admit, it was a battle of sorts -not so much to have the opportunity to do what i do but to be heard. all kinds of folks will hire and use your gifts for their benefit but what does it mean to be heard? to be respected? this is the gap that i have sensed for the past 13 years until perhaps just recently.

i have the wonderful privilege of serving as one of the pastors on staff here at quest church in seattle. from what i’ve gathered, a lot of people here in seattle don’t seem to want to abide by the typically set norm for the most part compared to other places i’ve lived – bikes ride the street like it’s theirs, indie artists and local bands are celebrated more so than what tends to be “popular” in the larger culture, local food and coffee shops are heralded over and against your usual chain restaurants and coffee joints, and so on. i know, i know, these are gross generalizations but coming from living 10 years in the south, these differences are quite stark to me. which makes me wonder if this way of imagining and negotiating the culture we’re so influenced by rubs off on the way we imagine ourselves and our participation within it?

all this to say, since i’ve moved to seattle just over a year ago, anytime i’ve had to teach, speak, preach in a ministry setting, i’ve begun to notice that a certain kind of persona arises out of me. i don’t really want to say that i feel “masculine” per se, but my demeanor definitely rings with a kind of assertive/authoritative confidence that suggests you better not mess with me! well, maybe it is an alpha rising out of me! i know, crazy right? there’s actually a running joke with some of my friends here that tell me i have a definite and particular booming “prayer voice” …..prayer voice?? i didn’t even realize there was such a thing! i think and believe that a lot of it has to do with the ways i’ve been formed. formation in this sense, arising out of a lack -lack of women leaders in the church as role models, lack of trust for women in ministry, lack of faith that women actually have something to contribute in addition to meeting the gender balance requirement on any given staff, lack of respect that because we’re women, we’re only concerned with and gifted for children’s ministry and fluffy women’s ministry tea gatherings. in this way, in order to counter such ill-formed images and perceptions of women in ministry, i’ve had to assert myself much more to have a place at the proverbial table so to speak -to be heard, to be respected for more than my looks and my “sensitive/motherly” gifts.

it’s formation that has arisen out of a need to be like one of the boys.

strangely, a lot of the men around me here, in my particular circles of relationships and ministry, are by no means the kind of image of the machismo-grunting-flexing-jocky males that i’m used to in ministry. it’s weird….but refreshing in such a good way! i’m just finding myself feeling, at times, out of place. i feel like i’m too assertive and perhaps a bit overwhelming to some. i find myself constantly conscious and aware of how i speak in certain contexts but when i pray and preach, i just can’t seem to pull it back! formation takes time. it’s taken me 14 years of being this way and, dare i say, performing in a particular way that has translated into who i am now in ministry.

it’s been a learning process, more about myself than anything else, i guess.

my prayer for ministry now is not so much how well or competently i perform tasks given me but rather, a lifelong promise to myself and the many young women whom i will encounter for years to come. a promise of hope that prayerfully, through the witness of my life, many young women will see and know that they too have something significant to offer this world.

multi-ethnic worship: 3 issues facing worship leaders

so often, pastors and worship leaders find it very difficult to capture and speak to the many challenges that arise within our respective congregations, especially when it comes to meeting musical and/or worship styles across multi-ethnic lines. whether you’re in a church that hopes and longs to be more diverse in this area or already in the thick of it trying to wade through the many voices, concerns and requests, we must all be mindful of our own need for transformation.

i recently wrote a very brief article for unity in christ magazine on the topic, “3 issues worship leaders face in multi-ethnic congregations.”  it’s part of a 5 voice forum on this particular topic and for me, I have found that the three foremost issues many worship leaders/pastors are confronted with are the notions of preference, purity and participation.

you can read the full article here.

what are 3 issues you think are challenging for worship leaders as they/you prayerfully and faithfully lead their/your congregations within a multi-ethnic context?

multi-ethnic worship: YOUR thoughts

so, i’ve been asked to write an article due out in july on the top 3 issues that worship leaders of multi-ethnic worship face on a macro and micro level. as i have my thoughts pretty set on this topic, primarily from years of experience in both homogenous congregations and in communities who are faithfully trying to live into racial reconciliation, i think it would be nice to hear from YOU as well.

i am no fool to think that my experiences alone or my interest/study/research on this topic makes me an authority by any means. however, i am thrilled to have the opportunity to share my thoughts on it and will post it here once the publication is out at the end of july.

in the meantime, whether you’re a pastor, worship leader, former worship leader, have an innate sense of what your worship leader is dealing with, whatever…i’d LOVE to hear your thoughts/experiences/insights on what YOUR top 3 issues for worship leaders of multi-ethnic worship are.

anticipation: a hope for the present

as we ponder and enter into what is now the final week of advent, let us be reminded that our rejoicing and anticipation comes from knowing that christ has already come. here is a short blog entitled, anticipation: a hope for the present that i wrote recently for duke divinity school’s office of black church studies.

many blessings to you, my friends, during this advent and christmas season. live fully and love deeply as christ has first loved us!

much love, xx g

homogenous or diverse? that is the question

i am wondering to what extent should the church be deliberate in its attempts to be non-homogenous. could it be a detriment to one’s worship life to be in such homogenized communities? how would this affect one’s choices and uses of artistic elements within communal worship? if church community is the place where, sociologically proven, one’s tendency is to flock to what is familiar and comfortable, then involvement in worship communities are nothing more than an outward expression of who we understand ourselves to be, e.g., socio-economically, ethnically, culturally, etc. what is at stake in this claim?

what’s at stake is the reality that most people have a hard time imagining sharing moments of intimacy with those who are strange to them. if worship is to be, according to paul, that which draws us closer to god, then it is indeed an intimate moment that we must share with those we worship with. it has to be a life of transparency if we are to believe that transformation is at work in our worship. if worship is the very life that we live out as a declaration and proclamation of god’s grace and love, then those whom we declare with ought to reflect all of the beauty that god engenders. what does this mean? when looking at the life of christ as the one whom we emulate, christ was and is reconciliation. christ embraced the possibility of being scorned as he sat with the samaritan woman and the lepers. what would it look like to have the rich worship with the poor, not just offering money to “help” them but to sit in the same pew and ask for prayer from them? what would it look like for the white to worship with the immigrant who doesn’t speak much english? instead of teaching them english in order that they can better communicate with us, we learn their language in order to better communicate with them. what would it look like to have the highly educated worshipping with the high school dropout? is this not what the kingdom of god ought to look like? perhaps many of our “worship wars” derive and function out of our need for satisfaction over and above our desire to see god manifest in the lives of others? what a truly difficult and convicting question to ponder…..

lust vs. love – my search for community

for those who are in transition, have ever been in transition, or will soon be in transition, we perhaps share a common story of that dreaded duty of finding a new church home. as one who is not bound or committed to one particular denomination or organization of churches, my journey tends to be quite complicated.

of course, i want to recognize that not everyone’s journey will or should share the same experiences. but similar to some folks that i’ve encountered recently, i’ve found that there are numerous factors that must be accounted for when searching for the “right” community to call home. since i had been employed by several churches and in seminary for the past three years doing required field placements, my children have not had the luxury of participating in the decisions of where our family would worship. given that, our children were the top priority in this particular endeavor. intimately woven within that, as a multi-racial family, we firmly believe that homogeneity is not an option for us…..which, unfortunately narrowed the options quite a bit.

why the title of lust vs. love for this blog you ask? well, we have been attending a local church here called quest church. as a worship and creative arts person who has also grown up in mega-churches, i tend to be easily influenced by first impressions – aesthetics, potential, organization, influence, size, etc… quest church, however, was not the sexy provocative first impression that i was hoping for. no flashy lights, no pre-service donuts;), no one aggressively tried to stake a claim on us….just not a lot of hype. honestly at first, i was a bit disappointed because it actually has a lot going for it (multi-ethnic/cultural/generational, multiple women pastors, great children’s ministry, communion EVERY week) ….but instead, my initial impression was kind of like that guy in college that i would’ve considered more like a “friend” than someone i would date. unfortunately, that’s NOT what i wanted in a church. i wanted that hot-love-at-first-sight kind of experience! i wanted the church to wow me toward membership. for some reason though, we’ve felt drawn to continue going there over the past several weeks while also attending some other churches in the evenings. meanwhile, my children LOVE going to quest and have made it known to us many times.

and then there was today!

i had one of those moments when i looked around during worship…. the moment when you realize a friendship could be turning into something deeper. it’s definitely not lust. so then, what is it? i think about some of the people that i’ve met at the church and i see myself becoming bound to them. i’ve also felt the need to start getting involved in the life of the church as opposed to being an anonymous onlooker…. and the biggie – when i try to juggle other churches with quest, thinking i can be a professional visitor at more than one church, i’m beginning to feel like an adulterer! could this be love?

through this process, i have come to be reminded that friendships are beautiful but that they also take time to grow. at quest, i’ve been given an offer of friendship that is not flashy or overwhelming but that i am now sure i do not want to be without. the things i love about quest church is their heart for the people….not just their own congregants (which is important) but to the larger community in which they find themselves apart of, locally and globally – an incarnational presence. quest is not about glitz and glamour. rather, its desire is in doing life together. it’s an earnest desire. imperfect? perhaps in some areas, but a place that resembles my imperfections. a place that i hope i can one day call home.